03-18-2013, 03:11 PM
This is a meditation poem, yes? A rather difficult topic to versify, so pretty good effort. I enjoyed the last line especially - to obtain extreme calm, and then bring a bit of it back with you into the world - is a great thing.
Of course, I may well be misinterpreting. Although I don't think it likely.
You could also do without capitalizing each line. It kind of bothered my reading, since the lines looked like new sentences when not all of them were.
Mikey.
Of course, I may well be misinterpreting. Although I don't think it likely.
Quote:Just Breath
Sheltering from tactile revelations,
My thoughts seek inward toward that solitude
Which like a tranquil garden flourishes <-- break after garden, I think.
Upon the energy Promethean
Fanned into life by every breath’s ellipse <-- ellipse catches the motion well.
Around the seven mystical soul stars.
I breathe, and as upon susurrus winds,
My spirit follows this intent to where, <-- what does your spirit look like. What did your face look like before your parents were born?
Beneath a cloak of flowers, small and white, <-- like the image of flowers. Why that kind of flower (just curious about your choice, is all).
The garden’s timeless heart keeps perfect time.
And when I must depart, I will retain
The scent of small white flowers in my hair.
You could also do without capitalizing each line. It kind of bothered my reading, since the lines looked like new sentences when not all of them were.
Mikey.