03-18-2013, 09:53 AM
Hi,
Interesting idea. But may I suggest you mark a progression in your poem ? For example from natural deaths to those caused by humans (doe, hedgehog...). It would add a touch of cynicism regarding man's attitude toward death - we fear it, make it taboo, and at the same time happily, gratuitously spread it everywhere we go like no other creature does. As for syntax, maybe try to keep using link words ("as", "while"), like in the first lines, or shorten your poem ; otherwise it might tend to become a mere list.
There are a few spelling and grammar mistakes, I think : *unguarded, *man's, *that's
Although I am not the best judge. Thanks for this poem,
Carile
Interesting idea. But may I suggest you mark a progression in your poem ? For example from natural deaths to those caused by humans (doe, hedgehog...). It would add a touch of cynicism regarding man's attitude toward death - we fear it, make it taboo, and at the same time happily, gratuitously spread it everywhere we go like no other creature does. As for syntax, maybe try to keep using link words ("as", "while"), like in the first lines, or shorten your poem ; otherwise it might tend to become a mere list.
There are a few spelling and grammar mistakes, I think : *unguarded, *man's, *that's
Although I am not the best judge. Thanks for this poem,
Carile