03-18-2013, 05:04 AM
(03-18-2013, 03:35 AM)justcloudy Wrote: hi softlyfalling,
this took me a couple reads to grasp, but I find it quite lovely. the outsider's perspective is refreshing and interesting.
I agree with Leanne that "cleaved a heavy heart" doesn't really work... in my mind I have the image of God with a huge red dripping heart in one hand and a butcher's cleaver in the other... don't think that's what you're going for. but of course I'm just one, so if you really like it, keep it.
one more little thing:
"Time laughed and measured their futility,
He was devoid of life and without blood,"
I like the idea but it didnt work for me. I didn't understand that Time was He at first, and then I kept reading "Time laughed AT". maybe you could look into tweaking your word choice.
anyway, thanks for the read, really did enjoy it.
Thank you...as with all critiques as courteous and helpful as yours, I will sincerely think about your suggestions. Especially about the line "cleaved heavy heart"...the other part you suggested changes for would lose the inherent connotation if i add "AT"...it would not be the image I wanted any more, but thank you.