03-18-2013, 03:35 AM
hi softlyfalling,
this took me a couple reads to grasp, but I find it quite lovely. the outsider's perspective is refreshing and interesting.
I agree with Leanne that "cleaved a heavy heart" doesn't really work... in my mind I have the image of God with a huge red dripping heart in one hand and a butcher's cleaver in the other... don't think that's what you're going for. but of course I'm just one, so if you really like it, keep it.
one more little thing:
"Time laughed and measured their futility,
He was devoid of life and without blood,"
I like the idea but it didnt work for me. I didn't understand that Time was He at first, and then I kept reading "Time laughed AT". maybe you could look into tweaking your word choice.
anyway, thanks for the read, really did enjoy it.
this took me a couple reads to grasp, but I find it quite lovely. the outsider's perspective is refreshing and interesting.
I agree with Leanne that "cleaved a heavy heart" doesn't really work... in my mind I have the image of God with a huge red dripping heart in one hand and a butcher's cleaver in the other... don't think that's what you're going for. but of course I'm just one, so if you really like it, keep it.
one more little thing:
"Time laughed and measured their futility,
He was devoid of life and without blood,"
I like the idea but it didnt work for me. I didn't understand that Time was He at first, and then I kept reading "Time laughed AT". maybe you could look into tweaking your word choice.
anyway, thanks for the read, really did enjoy it.
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The howling beast is back.
The howling beast is back.