03-17-2013, 08:59 PM
I like the brevity of the lines in this particular poem because it emphasizes a sort of rhythm, like music, staccato. In keeping with that, there are some places that could ne tightened up even more, give the poem even more punch.
For instance, in line one, I would skip the personal pronoun. Just "Carry my sax" or "Got my sax" or something would have more impact, I believe.
Actually the only other concrete suggestion I have is for the line "should play blues" ...the rest of the poem has almost a fatalistic wryness, but this is more like wistfulness....perhaps if you deflect the thought onto those things that create it? I mean...
"pawnshops/cheap hotels/radio blues" etc.
I am so impressed by the tone and rawness of the poem....and now I have that song in my head by Alexandra Stan..."Mr. Saxobeat" which is cool, I love that song.
For instance, in line one, I would skip the personal pronoun. Just "Carry my sax" or "Got my sax" or something would have more impact, I believe.
Actually the only other concrete suggestion I have is for the line "should play blues" ...the rest of the poem has almost a fatalistic wryness, but this is more like wistfulness....perhaps if you deflect the thought onto those things that create it? I mean...
"pawnshops/cheap hotels/radio blues" etc.
I am so impressed by the tone and rawness of the poem....and now I have that song in my head by Alexandra Stan..."Mr. Saxobeat" which is cool, I love that song.