03-17-2013, 04:58 PM
There are always conflicts in syntax when translating. Language is a nuanced medium. May I offer a few suggestions? These I offer with all due respect and admiration for a wonderful poem and a courageous decision to translate it.
Line 2 waked up by may-month's drizzle (you are dazzled by sunlight in line one, this is a non-sequitur. But if you wish to leave this, "waked" is incorrect, as is "woken"...use awakened
line 3 the spring wind breezed softly. (I am not accustomed to breeze as a verb, and there are so many alternatives that could be excellent here...breathed, blew, whispered..etc
line 6 Close and love ones passed away quickly, Awkward use of adjectives...I would suggest something like "deeply loved ones"
line 7 myself cradled to the deathbed. "Myself" is reflexive pronoun and cannot be used like this as the subject... you can say "And me cradled to the deathbed"
line 8 No farewell tears fell, good grammar, but if you simply say "no farewell tears" it will have more impact
line 9 my funeral was alone. Frankly, i love this, but strictly speaking, "my funeral was spent alone" or "my funeral was lonely" would be more technically correct.
Line 2 waked up by may-month's drizzle (you are dazzled by sunlight in line one, this is a non-sequitur. But if you wish to leave this, "waked" is incorrect, as is "woken"...use awakened
line 3 the spring wind breezed softly. (I am not accustomed to breeze as a verb, and there are so many alternatives that could be excellent here...breathed, blew, whispered..etc
line 6 Close and love ones passed away quickly, Awkward use of adjectives...I would suggest something like "deeply loved ones"
line 7 myself cradled to the deathbed. "Myself" is reflexive pronoun and cannot be used like this as the subject... you can say "And me cradled to the deathbed"
line 8 No farewell tears fell, good grammar, but if you simply say "no farewell tears" it will have more impact
line 9 my funeral was alone. Frankly, i love this, but strictly speaking, "my funeral was spent alone" or "my funeral was lonely" would be more technically correct.