03-17-2013, 04:57 PM
Hello and welcome!
This poem has a really interesting central theme that could be enhanced by removing some of the extraneous words. For example, why do you need "geocentric" in L3? It's implied and doesn't need to be explicitly stated. Similarly, "archipelago" implies shores so "shores" doesn't really need to be there. I do like "a macrocosmic expression of his dream"
In S2, L2, just "looked" would do instead of "looked down".
In S3, L3 I find "cleaved heavy heart" quite odd and awkward.
These are all small things. As I said, the overall idea is a good one and I'd love to see what you can come up with on an edit.
PS. Thanks for leaving feedback already -- that's EXACTLY the kind of thing we like to see
This poem has a really interesting central theme that could be enhanced by removing some of the extraneous words. For example, why do you need "geocentric" in L3? It's implied and doesn't need to be explicitly stated. Similarly, "archipelago" implies shores so "shores" doesn't really need to be there. I do like "a macrocosmic expression of his dream"
In S2, L2, just "looked" would do instead of "looked down".
In S3, L3 I find "cleaved heavy heart" quite odd and awkward.
These are all small things. As I said, the overall idea is a good one and I'd love to see what you can come up with on an edit.
PS. Thanks for leaving feedback already -- that's EXACTLY the kind of thing we like to see
It could be worse