absolution

[cidermaid]

Hi first off I would mention that this one grew on me with the second and third reading. It has a quiet essence to it rather like the flow of a powerful river, deceptively silent in its depth and width, it has a hidden strength.
I particularly liked the progression and outlook from instructed obedience, then imagined piety fighting against sin, the perceptions of the experience and finally the disillusionment. You have covered and handled the subject well I thought and it is certainly not something that should be binned.

Would appreciate any and all suggestions (including binning) particularly with the last line, doesn't seem quite right.


I have chosen a dense dress Good opening to introduce the topic of a special day. Liked the choice of dense to describe the fabric and weight of the dress.
that covers my ankles.
Forcing down my budding breasts Perhaps a comma after breasts. Good image. On second reading the use of budding to denote the growth stage is nicely tied in with the third stanza lines about dying and re-birth.
puts the pastor at ease. This is a clever use of phrasing. The subject of the pastor being anything other than spiritual is never mentioned but this line adds the tension and thought in there never-the-less.


In my mind I am the virgin Mary. I Like the idea and picture here but this line feels a little over wordy here. I'm not convinced about the need to mention the virgin element. Is the connection with the name Mary and religious connotations enough...a question more than a suggestion.
With ribbons, I tie back red,
the root of all evil. Really like this. Great 2 lines and image to convey her emotional perceptions.


Beneath the river dark ? a commar after river.
water steals my breath.
Dying here so young,
awaiting rebirth. Think this is a really solid stanza that pulls the whole poem together.


The cleansing doesn’t come.
Soaked and solemn in the sun. Nice alliteration. gives the last stanza a leg up onto the last transition lines.
I loosen wet ribbons,
nothing more to be done. I sort of agree with you about the last line. But don't think they are a disaster. Not sure my suggestion is an improvment...The deed has been done.

I did not find anything too off in this poem and as i said above it grew on me with each reading.