03-14-2013, 04:08 AM
Hi Holly,
This feels like an outdoor river baptism. There are some interesting word choices that carry some of the religious overtones. I like dense dress and that its to the ankles. It speaks of a modest holiness type of tradition. I'm thinking a dutch reformed or some such. If it were Amish it would be a bishop instead of a pastor. It has a non-secularized rustic feel to it. To further this idea you could put in something about the material of the dress.
I really like the feel of this one. It isn't a bin by any means. You have some interesting things going on here. I like the idea of tying back red which is the root of all evil. In the bible that would be the love of money. In this case I think of red like menstruation combined with the budding breasts it seems that that root is an awakening sexuality. In a way contextually the red could be pointing back to the apple and the fall. The break on red is cool and similar to what you do with the break on dark below. In that case, sin is being buried. Or the hope, that sinful impulses are being buried is in view. Baptism is a good symbol for that as historically the flesh, or this body of sin if you will is buried with Christ in baptism, and as you say here the rebirth is symbolized by coming out of the water.
I think everything in the first three strophes works well. I might cut the "my" before budding. Beyond that things look good. In the last four lines: I like lines 2 and 3. The first and fourth lines may be able to be combined in an image that lets us know the sin doesn't drown. Alternately just keeping these two lines alone at the end may get you there:
Soaked and solemn in the sun.
I loosen wet ribbons.
Loosening of the ribbons to me says the cleansing didn't stick.
I really like how you approached the themes. This is the visual tension of Romans 7. I thought it was well done.
Best,
Todd
This feels like an outdoor river baptism. There are some interesting word choices that carry some of the religious overtones. I like dense dress and that its to the ankles. It speaks of a modest holiness type of tradition. I'm thinking a dutch reformed or some such. If it were Amish it would be a bishop instead of a pastor. It has a non-secularized rustic feel to it. To further this idea you could put in something about the material of the dress.
I really like the feel of this one. It isn't a bin by any means. You have some interesting things going on here. I like the idea of tying back red which is the root of all evil. In the bible that would be the love of money. In this case I think of red like menstruation combined with the budding breasts it seems that that root is an awakening sexuality. In a way contextually the red could be pointing back to the apple and the fall. The break on red is cool and similar to what you do with the break on dark below. In that case, sin is being buried. Or the hope, that sinful impulses are being buried is in view. Baptism is a good symbol for that as historically the flesh, or this body of sin if you will is buried with Christ in baptism, and as you say here the rebirth is symbolized by coming out of the water.
I think everything in the first three strophes works well. I might cut the "my" before budding. Beyond that things look good. In the last four lines: I like lines 2 and 3. The first and fourth lines may be able to be combined in an image that lets us know the sin doesn't drown. Alternately just keeping these two lines alone at the end may get you there:
Soaked and solemn in the sun.
I loosen wet ribbons.
Loosening of the ribbons to me says the cleansing didn't stick.
I really like how you approached the themes. This is the visual tension of Romans 7. I thought it was well done.
Best,
Todd
(03-14-2013, 01:50 AM)Heartafire Wrote: Would appreciate any and all suggestions (including binning) particularly with the last line, doesn't seem quite right.
I have chosen a dense dress
that covers my ankles.
Forcing down my budding breasts
puts the pastor at ease.
In my mind I am the virgin Mary.
With ribbons, I tie back red,
the root of all evil.
Beneath the river dark
water steals my breath.
Dying here so young,
awaiting rebirth.
The cleansing doesn’t come.
Soaked and solemn in the sun.
I loosen wet ribbons,
nothing more to be done.
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson