03-12-2013, 11:36 AM
"to substantize behind my eyes" I love that!
It's a beautiful poem I just have two notes.
I wanted to read it "and resonate an echo inside my brain.
There is something here that is turning on the word game part of my brain. Write right, spark sparkle, screen scream, globe gobble, know known, which made me wish for; 7 billion viewpoints, versions, visions... instead of 7 billion versions viewpoints, visions. I realize that there are intervening words between the other paired words but they are little ol' conjunctions. Having a big powerful V-word between versions visions somehow lessens the word play for me.
I approach this critique with some trepidation as your poem shows genius and I am green with envy. You were very helpful to me and it is my desire to bring the same to you.
It's a beautiful poem I just have two notes.
I wanted to read it "and resonate an echo inside my brain.
There is something here that is turning on the word game part of my brain. Write right, spark sparkle, screen scream, globe gobble, know known, which made me wish for; 7 billion viewpoints, versions, visions... instead of 7 billion versions viewpoints, visions. I realize that there are intervening words between the other paired words but they are little ol' conjunctions. Having a big powerful V-word between versions visions somehow lessens the word play for me.
I approach this critique with some trepidation as your poem shows genius and I am green with envy. You were very helpful to me and it is my desire to bring the same to you.