With this inform all critique

[NakedBear]

Clever. Really clever. I can see you winking! Just an idea - grab the second to the last line and make it line #8. That will give you the octave and leave you with a sestet. I think it works in that position to sum up the octave and I think line #9 is enough of a volta although it sort of bleeds into line #10. That doesn't fix everything (or anything) but it's a start. I guess. What do I know? Way to take on a sonnet, Nakedbear! Thanks for a fun read.

I'm glad you got something from it, Tommy. And thanks for the suggestion. Possibly that could work, if I were feeling the poem enough to reorder it. But when I sat with it today... nope. I think that I've somehow moved a bit too far from the sentiment for such a major effort.

Mikey

---

Thanks for the encouragement, Leanne.

It's pretty much the pinnacle of form poetry, so it lends itself very nicely to commentary if it's done well. Thumbs up for the attempt, we'll make a sonneteer out of you yet

The pinnacle, you say? Hmmm... I know what form I'll be trying to write in for the next decade, then.

With this inform all critique

I now beseech your true critiques to flow
as many sudden rocks from mountain freed.
But, with one condition, if one I may impose: -- with one condition, if I may impose: -- fixed

Your line reads much smoother than mine. At first, though, I thought the bumpy flow was better, since to my mind it suggests a hesitancy on the part of speaker. Then I thought, no: "if I may impose" does that too, and it's nicer to the ear.

like the ox driver does his beastly charge, -- this line is problematic -- it starts on a trochee then heads all over the place -- I'll need to think a while on a possible replacement

That line caused me quite a bit of trouble, and I do think I'll return to it and try to smooth it out. But any thoughts you have of would be very welcome, although you've done me a great help already.

I have swallowed all you suggestions, they were delightful. Now I'll commence their digestion, so you'll have less correcting to do on my next attempt (hopefully).

Mikey.