With this inform all critique

[Tommy]

Clever. Really clever. I can see you winking! Just an idea - grab the second to the last line and make it line #8. That will give you the octave and leave you with a sestet. I think it works in that position to sum up the octave and I think line #9 is enough of a volta although it sort of bleeds into line #10. That doesn't fix everything (or anything) but it's a start. I guess. What do I know? Way to take on a sonnet, Nakedbear! Thanks for a fun read.