03-11-2013, 06:38 AM
This work is inspiring to me. I've come back to it several times today after reading it the first time last night. Your fist stanza is the strongest I think and then the poem seems to lose it's way, although there is some good stuff in there. I wish I could do a better job of putting my finger on it for you. I think I don't like some of the word choices.
Whisperings
They say the stars owe everything to chance,
That no set fate has fixed them in their place.
That Chaos governs how they hang askance;
No rhyme or reason writ in outer space.
But when we let our eyes run through the skies
To dance amidst this resting place of giants.
In seeing circles, supershapes and lines,
Disorders winking back at us defiant. use the singular, disorder[b].
Orion’s ribboned waist looks too precise.
In each perfect portioned shining point.
A mighty tour de force of fire and ice
Of geometric symmetry, adroit.
Perhaps just atoms dancings all it is;
These half unuttered words and promises.
Whisperings
They say the stars owe everything to chance,
That no set fate has fixed them in their place.
That Chaos governs how they hang askance;
No rhyme or reason writ in outer space.
But when we let our eyes run through the skies
To dance amidst this resting place of giants.
In seeing circles, supershapes and lines,
Disorders winking back at us defiant. use the singular, disorder[b].
Orion’s ribboned waist looks too precise.
In each perfect portioned shining point.
A mighty tour de force of fire and ice
Of geometric symmetry, adroit.
Perhaps just atoms dancings all it is;
These half unuttered words and promises.