03-11-2013, 06:01 AM
Hi Claire, welcome to the site! Here's my general thought for this poem. You need to look at what you can cut and pair it down.
This:
Butterflies take flight
as I look into your
eyes.
is excellent.
If you could keep tight monologue running linked with more of this sort of imagery I think you'd have an effective poem. I already like what the one word is and how you end this. I'd suggest moving though this and cutting what isn't essential then try to say what you are saying with a little more imagery blended in like you do with the butterflies and you'll probably be in good shape.
Lot of potential with this one.
Best,
Todd
This:
Butterflies take flight
as I look into your
eyes.
is excellent.
If you could keep tight monologue running linked with more of this sort of imagery I think you'd have an effective poem. I already like what the one word is and how you end this. I'd suggest moving though this and cutting what isn't essential then try to say what you are saying with a little more imagery blended in like you do with the butterflies and you'll probably be in good shape.
Lot of potential with this one.
Best,
Todd
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson