03-10-2013, 03:24 PM
Revision
So, I've added in the corrections of Leanne, and took a crack at the unresolved line. Here's the result.
I now beseech your true critiques to flow
as many sudden rocks from mountain freed.
With one condition, if I may impose:
ahead of hated words, that love must lead,
as the ox-man a beastly charge does guide
who, not restrained, in town brings death and pain
yet yoked and chained can farmer’s yield enlarge!
Or when diverted stones leave him unslain,
a thankful one who finds his soul then changed:
Potential filled; flowed in from life reprieved,
filled not with voids and pains, yet rearranged
by ox and rocks without some love conceived!
So, tell me truths, though hateful to my ear
You must! Be kind, though, if you hold me dear.
Did I hit the right meter on the the above bolded line, or have I missed it?
Original Post
With this inform all critique
I now beseech your true critiques to flow
as many sudden rocks from mountain freed.
But, with one condition, if one I may impose:
That, ahead of hated words, love must lead,
like the ox driver does his beastly charge,
who, not restrained, in town brings death and pain
yet yoked and chained can farmer’s yield enlarge!
Or when diverted stones leave him unslain,
a thankful one who finds his soul then changed:
Potential filled; flowed in from life reprieved.
Filled not with voids and pains yet rearranged
by ox and rocks without some love conceived!
So, do tell me truths, hateful to my ear.
You must! Just be kind, if to you I’m dear.
Any comments welcome, even the unkind sort.
How's my meter?
So, I've added in the corrections of Leanne, and took a crack at the unresolved line. Here's the result.
I now beseech your true critiques to flow
as many sudden rocks from mountain freed.
With one condition, if I may impose:
ahead of hated words, that love must lead,
as the ox-man a beastly charge does guide
who, not restrained, in town brings death and pain
yet yoked and chained can farmer’s yield enlarge!
Or when diverted stones leave him unslain,
a thankful one who finds his soul then changed:
Potential filled; flowed in from life reprieved,
filled not with voids and pains, yet rearranged
by ox and rocks without some love conceived!
So, tell me truths, though hateful to my ear
You must! Be kind, though, if you hold me dear.
Did I hit the right meter on the the above bolded line, or have I missed it?
Original Post
With this inform all critique
I now beseech your true critiques to flow
as many sudden rocks from mountain freed.
But, with one condition, if one I may impose:
That, ahead of hated words, love must lead,
like the ox driver does his beastly charge,
who, not restrained, in town brings death and pain
yet yoked and chained can farmer’s yield enlarge!
Or when diverted stones leave him unslain,
a thankful one who finds his soul then changed:
Potential filled; flowed in from life reprieved.
Filled not with voids and pains yet rearranged
by ox and rocks without some love conceived!
So, do tell me truths, hateful to my ear.
You must! Just be kind, if to you I’m dear.
Any comments welcome, even the unkind sort.
How's my meter?