03-09-2013, 06:22 PM
hi jae
it feels a little word heavt, (i'm not sure what verbs are but i think you have too many
) the last stanza feels okay i like some of the inages you have there. mainly it's the first half, it seem like a never ending sentence. would bondage eliminate the repetition of binds if it replaced the first usage of the word?
is absolute freedom different from freedom?
you do have some good lines in the thing. the 3rd line is excellent in relation to the thrust of the poem. the egg, wool and rope images are also strong.
it feels a little word heavt, (i'm not sure what verbs are but i think you have too many
) the last stanza feels okay i like some of the inages you have there. mainly it's the first half, it seem like a never ending sentence. would bondage eliminate the repetition of binds if it replaced the first usage of the word? is absolute freedom different from freedom?
you do have some good lines in the thing. the 3rd line is excellent in relation to the thrust of the poem. the egg, wool and rope images are also strong.
(03-06-2013, 06:30 AM)Jae Mc Donnell Wrote: If absolute freedom allots you
the right to choose your own binds
under the guise of civil gestures,
which are drawn from the core of movement
and expelled as dubious actions
created by the equal and the opposite.
Is it then ‘not’ the choice of wisdom
to escape the breadline?
By tiptoeing with cotton paws
across a tightrope made of eggshell,
simply because our chains
suit the crumbling path.
Would it not be better
simply to change our binds?