03-07-2013, 06:10 AM
Hi AJ,
Some comments for you:
I generally liked the internal rhyme and the cadence of it all. There were points where the modifiers felt a little too much (such as wild shining summer modifying flowers, or a high blue encircling modifying sky). I think doing a slight paring down would enhance the lines. You do a lot of fun things with the sonics which I like. It's just a little much in places.
When you modify less and make these interesting constructions like these below, it's just much more interesting. Can I request more of this?
Then as wild water will toss a stone, youth spat you out
and left you alone. And hope that flies so free
on the breeze, was now perceived no more could be.
What good is love and boyish hours, in a world
where love lies cold, strewn with wilted flowers?
Also, your ending line is wonderful.
Just some thoughts.
Best,
Todd
Some comments for you:
I generally liked the internal rhyme and the cadence of it all. There were points where the modifiers felt a little too much (such as wild shining summer modifying flowers, or a high blue encircling modifying sky). I think doing a slight paring down would enhance the lines. You do a lot of fun things with the sonics which I like. It's just a little much in places.
When you modify less and make these interesting constructions like these below, it's just much more interesting. Can I request more of this?
Then as wild water will toss a stone, youth spat you out
and left you alone. And hope that flies so free
on the breeze, was now perceived no more could be.
What good is love and boyish hours, in a world
where love lies cold, strewn with wilted flowers?
Also, your ending line is wonderful.
Just some thoughts.
Best,
Todd
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson