03-06-2013, 07:14 PM
hi Freezy
the first stanza isn't bad, especially the last two lines. in them the reader can "see" the father with his red eyes (from alcohol, drugs?) and how the subject fell into that trap for a while but climbed out. it's well done.
however, the rest of the poem doesn't give us any images like that to grasp on to. the only other part is the "look mum, no arms" but while there I think of a kid on a bicycle, it doesn't seem like that's what you're going for, so then it's just more confusing than anything else.
you've touched on a topic worth expanding on and you have some nice little bits. if you give structure with some images you'll even be able to keep some of the non-image lines, S2L1 or the first part of S3 for example.
keep working on it.
--Goldyfish
the first stanza isn't bad, especially the last two lines. in them the reader can "see" the father with his red eyes (from alcohol, drugs?) and how the subject fell into that trap for a while but climbed out. it's well done.
however, the rest of the poem doesn't give us any images like that to grasp on to. the only other part is the "look mum, no arms" but while there I think of a kid on a bicycle, it doesn't seem like that's what you're going for, so then it's just more confusing than anything else.
you've touched on a topic worth expanding on and you have some nice little bits. if you give structure with some images you'll even be able to keep some of the non-image lines, S2L1 or the first part of S3 for example.
keep working on it.
--Goldyfish
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The howling beast is back.
The howling beast is back.