emerging

[billy]

hi goldy

i#ve stopped my crit in the body of the poem because we're in mild. i think you have a good poem here though it does feel a little wordy, the excess hides the or stops the good snipptes from popping of the page. i haven't pointed out all the ones that take away from the poem but there are a few more. theres a lot of good stuff going on specially near the end.

thanks for the read.

The rumbling of my self-awareness my is redundant twice over, onece from self the 2nd from my on the next line.
trampolines on the inside of my expanding skull is 'on the' and 'of' needed? good image
spilling out my ears in waves of liquid air.
It washes me in its smoky essence; why smoky?
I feel my beauty again.
I am whole: my mind has re-inhabited my body
and my body has not run off.

I can see this feels weak, would it be stronger if you pull 'the heaviness' up from the next line?
the heaviness that still tethers me, is 'still' needed.
but as my steady, inward breath
picks out and captures
the particles of happiness
floating through the sunshine,
I begin to radiate
a glowing knowledge of me,
and my chains grow longer. a great image, and in general a good stanza

They begin to thin,
pulling away,
apart from the yesteryears of writhing tears
and pained breath
of haunted thoughts
of flashing wake-dreams again, i like this image, it ties in with the emergence of the title.
(materialized as reflections
in the mirror
in the puddles
in my full eyes).

I have jumped the gap;
now to remember
to stay on this side. good strong ending that doesn't feel forced.