03-05-2013, 12:49 AM
hi Freezy,
really enjoyed this poem, thanks for sharing. I got the same thing as Neb as far as the subject goes, hope that's what you were going for.
just a few comments:
"paved the incision of their Achilles’ heel,
on principles alone: their country"
I see what you're trying to do here but I'm having a hard time with it. the image isn't quite clear, but it's a great idea, try rewording it
"‘til the ghost is clear." --> lovelovelove this, and the second stanza is haunting and beautiful as well.
you have a few big ideas in this piece, for ex
"A nation of immobility - bewildered
but kept abased by their own shadow"
and I love that, but sometimes it's really unclear what you're going for. the feel is right but the reader is left with a few too many connections to make.
sorry if my comments are scattered. overall it's lovely, and with a bit of work it could be really great. =]
really enjoyed this poem, thanks for sharing. I got the same thing as Neb as far as the subject goes, hope that's what you were going for.
just a few comments:
"paved the incision of their Achilles’ heel,
on principles alone: their country"
I see what you're trying to do here but I'm having a hard time with it. the image isn't quite clear, but it's a great idea, try rewording it
"‘til the ghost is clear." --> lovelovelove this, and the second stanza is haunting and beautiful as well.
you have a few big ideas in this piece, for ex
"A nation of immobility - bewildered
but kept abased by their own shadow"
and I love that, but sometimes it's really unclear what you're going for. the feel is right but the reader is left with a few too many connections to make.
sorry if my comments are scattered. overall it's lovely, and with a bit of work it could be really great. =]
_______________________________________
The howling beast is back.
The howling beast is back.