Second poem -- critique appreciated

[saeity]

Hi Ethereal, I think there are a couple of areas maybe where this piece could be tightened up, I see you have written in the first person and the use of so many I can sometimes come across as a little over indulgent. I would also maybe, suggest losing the repetition.


I fall deeper and deeper into the water.- maybe lose I fall and replace with falling.
Drowning in thoughts of a suicidal martyr.

Save me.
Save me.-lose this line

I don't want to die.
I don't want to drown;- maybe lose the I
I don't want to fly.- ditto as above

I fear for the future;- maybe lose the I fear to fearing
I fear for the now.- ditto as above
I wish I could stop,
But I don't know how.

Please save me.
Save me.- I'd lose this line
Set me free.

Jump in the sea to bring me to land.
Please be my savior; take ahold of my hand.- typo a hold

I'll scream on the inside and smile for you,- maybe screaming on the inside, smiling for you
As I swim farther into the blue.-swimming further into the blue

I'll struggle against and loosen my grip,-struggling against, loosening my grip
With tears in my eyes beginning to drip.- maybe lose with

But please never let go.
Never let go,- Id lose this repetition
No matter how many times I plead and say "no".

Save me.

Save me.- again I'd lose this line

Please save me.

Just a few suggestions hope you don't mind.