03-03-2013, 06:16 PM
Hi Freezy,
Your opening two lines felt strong and like they were going to take me to interesting places, but then i felt that the rest of the read sort of lacked any substance. To my ear this came accross as a bit of a monotone moan. I would have liked some more discriptive words and images. The idea of tears as sacrificial opium was interesting and has promise, perhaps you could link this idea more strongly into your opening two lines and see where this takes you. In this context I could also see the 2nd last line as strong enough to end on. I know i am suggesting a complete re-write but I think there is a good poem in there waiting to be written. So try and take this as i meant it, in a possitive way.
Sorry to not be more encouraging. It is just my opinion of course and other people might well see something different.
AJ.
Your opening two lines felt strong and like they were going to take me to interesting places, but then i felt that the rest of the read sort of lacked any substance. To my ear this came accross as a bit of a monotone moan. I would have liked some more discriptive words and images. The idea of tears as sacrificial opium was interesting and has promise, perhaps you could link this idea more strongly into your opening two lines and see where this takes you. In this context I could also see the 2nd last line as strong enough to end on. I know i am suggesting a complete re-write but I think there is a good poem in there waiting to be written. So try and take this as i meant it, in a possitive way.
Sorry to not be more encouraging. It is just my opinion of course and other people might well see something different.
AJ.