Thanks a million, all. You guys liked the lines I thought were the throwaways, so I've kept them, and that kind of feedback is invaluable (because as we've discussed, we are NOT great judges of our own poetry). I'm still working my way through this myself, which is what happens to me at the start of the process.
Serge, I see AJ has sorted out any confusion about the first stanza
Thanks for your critique, I confess that AJ has put it much more succinctly than I could! (I like the hour line as well, I've been hung up on manifestations of time lately).
AJ, wow! I don't know yet whether your interpretations and mine match (as I said, I'm still turning this over in my head) but NEVER apologise for having a different idea to anyone else. For me, there is no greater thrill than a reader taking my poems on such a journey.
Todd, I always look forward to a critique from you. I hadn't even thought about soda and lime as a drink (well maybe I had subconsciously), I was imagining a pane of glass separating into its components. Guess I'm more clever than I realised
billy, I shifted the lonely "I" I had put it there for the effect of the rhythm, but changing the preceding stanza I decided that the rhythm was too kitschy so I ditched it, and the I could have friends again.
Serge, I see AJ has sorted out any confusion about the first stanza
Thanks for your critique, I confess that AJ has put it much more succinctly than I could! (I like the hour line as well, I've been hung up on manifestations of time lately).AJ, wow! I don't know yet whether your interpretations and mine match (as I said, I'm still turning this over in my head) but NEVER apologise for having a different idea to anyone else. For me, there is no greater thrill than a reader taking my poems on such a journey.
Todd, I always look forward to a critique from you. I hadn't even thought about soda and lime as a drink (well maybe I had subconsciously), I was imagining a pane of glass separating into its components. Guess I'm more clever than I realised
billy, I shifted the lonely "I"
I had put it there for the effect of the rhythm, but changing the preceding stanza I decided that the rhythm was too kitschy so I ditched it, and the I could have friends again.
It could be worse