03-03-2013, 05:19 AM
*there shouldn't be a comma after L2 -- phew, punctuation is out of the way 
I really enjoy the little internal and slant rhymes you've got going on in the first stanza, but your first and last lines both end in "lies" -- which is not a problem at all, I like the roundness of it, but I'd love to see that happen in the last stanza as well so it's recognisable as a deliberate technique. I think that would help with the apple-icity of the poem. I'd probably go with a "move" in the first line of the last stanza if it's possible. I like having that single "but I feel their imperfections" line in the middle there, it's a pivot.
There are some gorgeous motifs running through this. The burning, turning to charcoal, carbonising -- then to "shaved imaginings". I adore "lidded singularity". Most enjoyable AJ, thank you!
I really enjoy the little internal and slant rhymes you've got going on in the first stanza, but your first and last lines both end in "lies" -- which is not a problem at all, I like the roundness of it, but I'd love to see that happen in the last stanza as well so it's recognisable as a deliberate technique. I think that would help with the apple-icity of the poem. I'd probably go with a "move" in the first line of the last stanza if it's possible. I like having that single "but I feel their imperfections" line in the middle there, it's a pivot.
There are some gorgeous motifs running through this. The burning, turning to charcoal, carbonising -- then to "shaved imaginings". I adore "lidded singularity". Most enjoyable AJ, thank you!
It could be worse