03-01-2013, 07:47 PM
hi Ellz, really liked reading this, thanks for sharing! great imagery, and an interesting high-school perspective.
I thought the first half of the first stanza was really strong, but when it got to well-behaved women it lost some umph, especially because I can't quite imagine how hair is like cookie dough when rolling down someone's back (though I see what you did with milky, clever, and it makes the subject sound naked and more vulnerable).
the only other suggestion I have is this-- maybe have the haircut at the beginning and the reactions etc afterwards. I think it would be stronger, especially if we understand the subject is a girl only after the shave.
I thought the first half of the first stanza was really strong, but when it got to well-behaved women it lost some umph, especially because I can't quite imagine how hair is like cookie dough when rolling down someone's back (though I see what you did with milky, clever, and it makes the subject sound naked and more vulnerable).
the only other suggestion I have is this-- maybe have the haircut at the beginning and the reactions etc afterwards. I think it would be stronger, especially if we understand the subject is a girl only after the shave.
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The howling beast is back.
The howling beast is back.