03-01-2013, 04:27 AM
Hi PettyPoet,
I wrote a few notes for you a moment ago and then just as i pushed the post button my internet connection crashed and now i'm trying to remember what i wrote first time around !
My main observation was that although i thought your subject choice was fine, the layout and length of the block of text was slightly off putting. (Longer poems are fine but they really need to hook the reader in with strong images and original thoughts to hold the attention in my opinion). Also I felt that the double spacing did not really add anything to the presentation and the lack of line breaks meant that it would have been very difficult to read aloud. (No pauses for breathing!). Perhaps you could consider breaking this down into some stanzas and also perhaps try and condense some of the ideas and thoughts...distill them into images and pictures rather than telling us.
As ever these are just my thoughts and opinions. Please do not be discouraged. You have some nice end rhymes and i particularly liked the image of love as a tree with growth rings.
Thanks for posting this AJ.
I wrote a few notes for you a moment ago and then just as i pushed the post button my internet connection crashed and now i'm trying to remember what i wrote first time around !
My main observation was that although i thought your subject choice was fine, the layout and length of the block of text was slightly off putting. (Longer poems are fine but they really need to hook the reader in with strong images and original thoughts to hold the attention in my opinion). Also I felt that the double spacing did not really add anything to the presentation and the lack of line breaks meant that it would have been very difficult to read aloud. (No pauses for breathing!). Perhaps you could consider breaking this down into some stanzas and also perhaps try and condense some of the ideas and thoughts...distill them into images and pictures rather than telling us.
As ever these are just my thoughts and opinions. Please do not be discouraged. You have some nice end rhymes and i particularly liked the image of love as a tree with growth rings.
Thanks for posting this AJ.