02-28-2013, 09:12 PM
Hi Essuie
very topical subject. hits home. well done approaching it.
the end is the strongest part for me, but the beginning lost me a bit. by the end I realized you were talking about the kids, but the first line isn't the kids, right? maybe you could develop it into two stanzas. one focusing on the topic raised in the first line, and the other being what you have, slightly reworked.
also, "unrest with pettiness" doesn't work too well for me. maybe just "petty unrest" would work better.
very topical subject. hits home. well done approaching it.
the end is the strongest part for me, but the beginning lost me a bit. by the end I realized you were talking about the kids, but the first line isn't the kids, right? maybe you could develop it into two stanzas. one focusing on the topic raised in the first line, and the other being what you have, slightly reworked.
also, "unrest with pettiness" doesn't work too well for me. maybe just "petty unrest" would work better.
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The howling beast is back.
The howling beast is back.