what nation of peace?

[billy]

we take our time here hi goldy.

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it's in mild and i got a little carried away, because you asked so pleasantly for feedback the poem has a good thread running though it but i think you could trim at least a 3rd to a half away in order to make it a more solid piece, i like a lot of the poem but some words and phrases feel too run of the mill. look for the common thing and try to make them original. lots of ing words in places. often removing ings; reach instead of reaching etc, can strengthen a poem. lastly, try to show us what you see in the picture you have in your head, hate, love and soul are very weak words on their own,

here it is feels a little weak for a 1st line
composing and imposing
the future of our minds,
with the liberty
of mutual being
and the statue
made of green so we can take it we're in the usa.
with the sighing
and dying and crying
and lying we have been raised
with napster and laughter and plastered some allteration would have helped this line
politicians.
this place was built on the backs of the innocent
lying wrapped in colorless blankets
reaching and teaching and hoping and hating. too many words ending with 'ing' they reach, teach, hope, and hate. is a suggestion., though hope and hate are two words where an image would work better

[ind][ind][ind][ind][ind][ind][ind][ind]love.

[ind][ind][ind][ind]it’s all we’ve got
and not this fabricated Hollywood love.
the kind that you only feel
at night. with the heavy breathing all around
loudly lumbering through sleep they keep great line, it feels very strong and shows instead of tells.
the day away

[ind][ind][ind][ind]forget to forgive
forgive to forget this wordplay is pretty cliche, you need to add more in order to make it less common
we dance. we dance like?
we remember. we remember....? give us something more
we go away
to the spaces and places
that we love
that are loved
like the love that you sing
from the fields of fabric.


[ind][ind][ind][ind]three fifths, that’s all you are to us.
blood screams from the ground i like the way this line fits in with the title
seeping upwards into the soul into the soul feels weak
creeping and weeping this line feels redundant
reaping your sorrows is 'your' needed?
like sparrows on the windowtops
of this concrete jungle.
it is high up. this is probably a given
hearts are bruised and calloused
since before birth
there is no escaping the raping
of our only earth only is a given
who gave birth to our brothers
and mothers who seem not to care.

[ind][ind][ind][ind] throbbing crying hurting beating
all around the world are tears
of those that are not here
wanting hoping wishing praying
for relief
help from the top
from the others above.
but when we come
the hate begins
despicable deplorable
but wonderful, no?
liberation and creation
of the station of the people!

[ind][ind][ind][ind]they did not want it.
we cannot see
they are not who we
pretend to be--
happy and laughing
we only lie--
they are the real beings
the keepers of the truth.
they are different from us.
we do not accept.
we force our beliefs.
upon the disastrous catastrophe
that is our well-intentioned stupidity.
(is it of good will?)

[ind][ind][ind][ind]we are living
all along the watchtower a common phrase and the name of a famous song which makes it cliche
we are riding on the wave of fear
looking waiting scared and watching
for the time
impending and non bending
it will come.
but when
is not for our knowing
so we are blowing
the wish-blow flower
of our life away
one by one the seeds that make up our soul
leave us forever.

[ind][ind][ind][ind]take stock in the stock that will rise that will fall
to the undulating steady rhythm
of the heart’s rapping beat
below the center of the city
lies the monster in us all
rising slowly to take up arms against
a planet of troubles and rubble
we didn’t think to oppose; to end.
apathetic and pathetic we grow
rallying around the causes we believe
are worth the fight of our life
till our red bodies come home
and the nation weeps with our fathers
for our fled soul.

[ind][ind][ind][ind]we only wanted peace.


[author's note: written in 2008. the line indentations aren't showing up once I post. oh well.]