02-24-2013, 09:13 PM
(02-17-2013, 11:54 PM)jmmc137 Wrote: Skydivers would enjoy the fall but I'm not one of them, -- Intriguing first line. It pulls the readers right in. As long as you're not talking about falling in love, it'll be fine. =)
They get all the rush and just glide down to safety,
I can't. I have no parachute. No wings. No nothing. Leafless, -- The leafless at the end doesn't really fit into the whole image in my opinion. Also, the line I feel can be easily reworded to give it more impact. You're going for a contrast with the previous line, so something like 'Not me. I get the high, and splat. no parachute, nothing.' for example. Just a suggestion though. =)
At times I can be a fool and just jump based on the distance from the ground,
Thinking that far distances are worth the inevitable hurt at ground level, -- This line doesn't sit well with me. Try giving it a more personal touch, so it blends into the whole poem better. As it stands currently, it sounds like exposition. Necessary exposition, but it needs to be masked in my opinion.
Jump.
The breeze that caresses my skin, the wind's harmonic howl,
and my lightening-stricken heart motivate me
as I scale the crimson mountain face,
Blood trails behind me.
I stare down the familiar cliff with fantasies of an infinite drop,
Stop.
Fade away into the thin air.
There, conscience awaits. -- Really amazing imagery for the rest of the poem. Good word choices, and it completes the poem. My last complaint would be to divide it into different stanzas. It's not really needed, but I feel it'll give the poem more impact that way, with a better structure. Thanks for the read, and hope I'm of help! =)
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