02-21-2013, 05:28 AM
This is really pretty 
I'm not sure what you mean to say in L2 but it's a little confused. In L3 you might consider just "sun" instead of "sunlight", because I like "raylet" but at the moment the line reads a bit awkwardly.
Just be careful with some of your syntax. There's no need to make your grammar all convoluted because in most cases your rhymes will work fine anyway. For example "If only was the wind the sole sound" works perfectly well as "If only the wind was the sole sound". And there's really no need for archaisms like "shalt" -- "shall" will do.
There's much to like about what you're saying, just a bit of tidying up to do to bring it out more clearly.
I'm not sure what you mean to say in L2 but it's a little confused. In L3 you might consider just "sun" instead of "sunlight", because I like "raylet" but at the moment the line reads a bit awkwardly.
Just be careful with some of your syntax. There's no need to make your grammar all convoluted because in most cases your rhymes will work fine anyway. For example "If only was the wind the sole sound" works perfectly well as "If only the wind was the sole sound". And there's really no need for archaisms like "shalt" -- "shall" will do.
There's much to like about what you're saying, just a bit of tidying up to do to bring it out more clearly.
It could be worse