02-21-2013, 05:09 AM
You know, I've read your justification for meter changes and to be honest, I don't see the point. This is a gentle sonnet with a very traditional purpose -- and if your volta needs hinting at, it's not a strong one. Which this isn't, since there's no real "turn", it's more of a continuation of the previous thoughts. It does, however, act as a summation and in many sonnets, that's quite enough. Personally I don't mind if a sonnet is metric or non-metric, rhymed or non-rhymed, or even if it has other than 14 lines. If I were to pick where the very mild volta occurs in this, it's not the final couplet but L9 -- and there's absolutely nothing wrong with that, Milton for example would have his volta anywhere after L4. To that end, I'd suggest getting rid of the line break before L13 (I'm not a fan of it anyway, an Elizabethan sonnet looks neater in one block).
What does bother me is that the couplet is a huge cliche. That weakens it immensely from my perspective and it's a shame, because your opening lines in particular are quite lovely.
What does bother me is that the couplet is a huge cliche. That weakens it immensely from my perspective and it's a shame, because your opening lines in particular are quite lovely.
It could be worse