An Empty Grave

[brandontoh]

You've been posting a lot of poems here, primarily your past works. I feel kind of bad to always say the same thing, but there are common problems that seem to persist. The main one is that you tend to tell instead of show. This poem is actually not that bad, but it has the potential to have more depth to it. The word choices are not bad, but could be better. I like the idea, and if the image can be made stronger then I'm sure you will have a fine poem here. =)

I walk silently passed my grave,
Weeping for the life I could not save.
Through the bleak darkness I walk alone,
Averted gaze from my shameful stone. -- Other than the last line, this stanza as a whole is too 'telling'. It doesn't pull me into the poem and pique my interest. The last line can actually be shifted up, making it the first line. The 3rd line can be removed, because I find that you can let the image do the work. =)

'Averted gaze from my shameful stone,
I walk silently pass my grave
Weeping for the life I could not save.'

My death was quick and silent, no one knows I am gone,
They see a vile illusion; distorted, all so wrong.
But I see the truth through these tortured, lifeless eyes,
The world is so empty; full of hate, deceit and lies. -- This stanza has too much excess that can be cut down to increase the impact.

'Quick and silent, unnoticed death.
Vile illusion, distorted and still wrong.
Tortured eyes see a world
Devoid of love and compassion.'

This of course is just a suggestion. The point though, is still about cutting the excess.

Stumbling through the madness, I cling to a tomorrow,
But I know in death there is only this endless, painful sorrow.
The nightmares of the shadow is my only future ahead,
There is no peace from this hell, even when I'm dead. -- With the first line, you introduce the act of stumbling and clinging on. Try maybe to keep these 2 actions constant and present throughout the whole stanza. It helps further the imagery and makes the stanza more powerful. Also, try to cut the excess once again.

I mourn for the life, that seems so long ago
A face full of laughter; hopes and dreams to sow.
Rotting in my grave, my soul has disappeared,
All that remains are these empty, bleeding tears. -- This stanza is not bad. =)

Thanks for the read, and hope I'm of help! =)

Invisible Shadows 2011