Paper Cut Melodrama

[Todd]

Hi PoetryAndPhysics,

I enjoyed this poem. You might consider adding more of the traditional melodrama elements. Like the finger tied to a train track. Additional comments below.

Ouch! A paper cut!--I think if you want to announce it would be better done at the end of the poem. As it stands your title already tells us what we're getting into so it is a bit redundant. I like the Ouch and it could serve as a lead in to line two. I would actually consider changing the title leaving Melodrama but being a little more ambiguous. Having the great reveal at the end be: A PAPER CUT.
Guillotined by printer parchment!
Canyons of skin, carved by a crimson river,--love this image and the alteration.
oversee numbness advance like Pleistocene glaciers.--Maybe cut oversee and go numbness advances like Pleistocene glaciers (that last part is especially great added detail)
Fingers curl and plead for iced tap water.--I'm not sure I want you to just come out and say its tap water. It feels like a lessening of the melodrama... a cooling stream maybe but I'd stay with the hyperbole
Devils radiate up my nervous system, whispering intrigue
of a prince bested by a commoner’s breadknife.--that's a funny image
Talk turns to riven skies, to earthquakes,--what's nice about the melodrama in the title is it gives you so much room to go over the top. I like the apocalyptic language here
to cracks in the Earth’s crust.--and here
Plans drawn up to empty the bars of alcohol,
to build defense shields of gauze and cotton balls,--just like the tap water I'd like more implication than out right saying. It's admittingly mostly a preference on my part.
fall to wanton mobs of maniacs and clowns.--I love clowns here. Maybe maniac clowns would be stronger
As ascetics run rampant with flagellating birch rods,--I don't know if I'd end stop the last line. I might start with "honking their red noses (to play again with red for the blood) swinging flagellating birch rods" just a thought
as ancient statues crumple to hails of rocket fire,
as everyone clasps hands in a final plea for grace,
all seems lost.
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Tranquility always comes with a new day’s retrospect.--if you alter the first line. You can slip out of melodrama here. And end with "to a paper cut.

All just thoughts of course. I enjoyed the poem. I hope some of this will be helpful.

Best,

Todd