Gentle Hands

[brandontoh]

I look down at these hands and see,
What has finally become of me.
These hands have been through everything,
Have felt much more than words can sing. -- This stanza flows really nicely and is a very good introduction for the rest of the poem. The problem I have with this one, however, is that the tone is too impersonal. Removing the 'finally' in the second line should help, and referring to the hands as 'they' should help as well.

These tiny hands held on so strong,
To those hands that made them belong.
Tiny hands so full of trust,
That in years to come turns to dust. -- Once again, the tone here sounds kind of impersonal. The idea is really good, and you can easily immerse readers into the piece, but the tone sort of cuts the impact somewhat. You can try something like 'They with their fragile strength/Searching, trying to grasp a home' for example. Make use of more words that further illustrate the implicit qualities of the hands. Fragile strength implies that the hands are tiny, and it may not be the best example, but I hope you see my point.

In teenage years these hands held pride,
Those hopes and dreams glowing inside.
These hands held laughter, friendship and joy,
Who'd have thought it could be destroyed. -- I feel that you're using 'held' a little too much. Hands can wave, hold, weave, clench, clutch and grasp. Use different words to elicit different moods and emotions.

These gentle hands which could not hurt,
Were left bleeding alone in the dirt.
They felt the entrance of the shame,
The hope and joy has turned to pain. -- To continue on the theme of hands, I'd personally use words like 'unclenched', 'open palms' and 'loose and slightly curled'. Maybe you can also include something on fingers as well. This stanza sort of detach from the whole 'hands' theme.

These hands await a better day,
Wanting hope, trust and dreams to stay.
But aged become these callous hands,
With wrinkles like waves in the sand. -- Nice stanza. The first 2 lines are a little cliche, but the last 2 are gold. =) More of these sort of lines in the poem will make it many times stronger I feel.

Arthritic hands with no strength,
To hold another for any length.
Scarred hands which cannot trust no more,
Alone and dirty, forever sore. -- The first 2 lines link nicely to the second stanza, but once again, I feel that they can be tightened with stronger imagery. The last 2 lines are a little cliche, but a simple reword will do wonders.

My hands are dirty,
And cannot be cleaned.
My hands are empty,
Because of this fiend! -- Too direct, and too in-your-face in my opinion. This last stanza can easily be reduced to one single line. 'My hands, dirty and empty.' Of course, the inclusion of the last line is up to you and how important you feel it is.

Invisible Shadows 2011

Personally I really like this poem. The idea is really good and the execution while a little weak can be easily improved with simple changes in word choices. Thanks for the read, and hope I'm of help! Remember, all my feedback is personal opinion so take what you will and toss what you don't need. =) Hope I don't come off as too harsh as well! =x

This is one of my favourite poems...whenever people ask "what's your favourite feature?" some people say "my hair", "my bum", "my legs"....my favourite feature are my hands...I have very small hands, no bigger than a childs, they are slender, and the fingers aren't too long, and they aren't stubby...considering they are used a lot, they are still quite soft...and so when I was really depressed, sat on my bedroom floor, just within my own head trying to escape the 'world', I was sat cross legged looking down at my hands...and that's how this poem came about....