02-10-2013, 07:11 AM
Hi Kreative,
It is always difficult when someone puts up a post like this as the question is always there in the mind to know if this is one of those personal poems that has been writen to help express pain or if it is just simple a creative piece and has no personal attachment to the writer. As this has been posted in the novice section (and so for some critique) I will offer a couple of comments.
This has a nice open stanza which with the second stanza kept to a reasonable rythme and you seemed to settle upon a rhyme and rythem patteren for the first 4, after this section these aspects were largley abandoned. This might have been deliberate to try and show the distaction and effects of pain upon the speaker but it was equally distracting to the reader.
Perhaps as starting point, try and keep the line length and the metre (or flow as you read it outloud) the same throughout the poem.
Your poem was effective in saying what needed to be said, but I would have liked a few more image rich lines and less facual ways of expressing the story and emotions in your poem.
These are just my opinions and I hope they are helpful to you. Everyone on the site will have differing ideas. It is always recomended that you weigh everything against your own ideas and perhaps wait for a few other comments.
Regards AJ.
It is always difficult when someone puts up a post like this as the question is always there in the mind to know if this is one of those personal poems that has been writen to help express pain or if it is just simple a creative piece and has no personal attachment to the writer. As this has been posted in the novice section (and so for some critique) I will offer a couple of comments.
This has a nice open stanza which with the second stanza kept to a reasonable rythme and you seemed to settle upon a rhyme and rythem patteren for the first 4, after this section these aspects were largley abandoned. This might have been deliberate to try and show the distaction and effects of pain upon the speaker but it was equally distracting to the reader.
Perhaps as starting point, try and keep the line length and the metre (or flow as you read it outloud) the same throughout the poem.
Your poem was effective in saying what needed to be said, but I would have liked a few more image rich lines and less facual ways of expressing the story and emotions in your poem.
These are just my opinions and I hope they are helpful to you. Everyone on the site will have differing ideas. It is always recomended that you weigh everything against your own ideas and perhaps wait for a few other comments.
Regards AJ.