02-09-2013, 04:27 PM
I really liked this one, which I already mentioned in the thread. One problem I find is that some rhymes feel kind of forced. At first glance it doesn't seem so, but further readings made lines like 'constant in my fun', 'my bed is empty and so cold' and 'this is a nightmare not a dream' sound quite unnatural. This poem from what I understand is what it is. The title explains everything. Which leads to the next problem, that while it's supposed to be a lament, it doesn't really sound like one. This may be due to the rhyme scheme, but as it stands I don't really get this sigh-heavy theme that you may want. Hope I'm of help! =)
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