1930's woman

[billy]

remember guys, this is the mild crit forum

---

hi aj. sorry for not getting back to this sooner.

i like the semi refrain at the beginning and end of each verse. not sure of the form (it's like a 5 line sestina, a quintena perhaps ) but the rhyme pattern works using the same words. reading it a few time, i wonder if a strict meter would enhance it. it does feel a bit forced in places. but were it for me i'd love it.

1930’s woman (for Clare in memory of Phyllis)

Gentle and quiet, gentle and quiet
Meekness and submission and softness of heart.
She will not stray. From her chosen path she will not depart.
Her eyes are not haughty, her words are not proud
And she holds fast to the promise she once avowed.

Softly and quiet, softly and quiet
The words are unspoken that dwell in her heart
No terrors will tempt them, from her lips to depart. this line feels clunky
Her will is set fast and her morals too proud
To abandon the promise that she once avowed.

Broken and quiet, broken and quiet
Her love lies in tatters and shrouds her sad heart
And her hope for fulfilment did long since depart.
But her heart is too stubborn ..…..too proud
To give up on the promise that she once avowed.

Peaceful and quiet, peaceful and quiet
The silence surrounds her; rests well with her heart
As the bonds are all broken and with death do depart.
Integrity intact, her conscience can be proud
That she held fast to the promise that she once avowed.

Empty and quiet, empty and quiet.
She goes through the motions of renewing her heart
Yet from the mould of her past life she cannot depart
For the wounds on her heart are still far too proud
So she holds fast to her promise and continues to wear
…….the sign of her vows.

It’s safer this way….she’ll opt for a quieter life.