To Dakhla-Par Avion

[tectak]

I got sucked into this poem.

anyhow, two things. Firstly, the opening line is really very good, but the word ‘exfoliated’ just doesn’t seem to fit. I know why it is there… but (for me) it sounds too, dare I say, common (if that makes sense). Of course, it says exactly what it means, paints a picture, as it should; but the word just sounds a bit clunky within the poem. The trouble is the line itself is wonderful, therefore I am probably being overly critical and if it were mine would struggle to change it… then probably wouldn't change it at all

The second thing, ‘the sun’s red eye’. In an otherwise creative piece this sticks out.

Hi shem,
Sorry I took so long to get back to you. I changed the sun's eyeliner as you suggested. It was a bit of a no-hoper. Exfoliated is dictionary-definite, but that doesn't always mean it is the best word....I was, though, puzzled by your use of the word "common" to describe it. Is this in the world of women's cosmetic devices used to make silk scarves slip off bare legs? If it is, then they nicked the word and made it common! If there is a better word, I'll use it. Bugger. I won't sleep tonight.
Best,
tectak