02-05-2013, 06:44 PM
A nicely moving character sketch. The structure's interesting, though it feels slightly arbitrary, especially as the last two lines deviate from it. Also, I'd have liked some more images to indicate that this is a 1930s woman you're writing about (maybe you could allude to contemporary fashions?) I have a suggestion for the ending: instead of those two lines, you could keep within the structure by simply putting "the promise that she once avowed". Then the end would be "So she holds fast to her promise and continues to wear/the promise that she once avowed". Just an idea.
Lines like "meekness and submission and softness of heart" give your sketch psychological depth. The impression of a spinster sitting in a lonely apartment as through her windows the world passes by comes to mind. The way you mix feelings like pride and integrity with submission and hopelessness adds another dimension to the woman, making her complex. I liked how the first lines of each verse give a different twist on the idea of quietude, from "gentle" and "softly" to "broken" and "empty". There's some clever stuff here. All critique is JMHO. Thank you for the read
Lines like "meekness and submission and softness of heart" give your sketch psychological depth. The impression of a spinster sitting in a lonely apartment as through her windows the world passes by comes to mind. The way you mix feelings like pride and integrity with submission and hopelessness adds another dimension to the woman, making her complex. I liked how the first lines of each verse give a different twist on the idea of quietude, from "gentle" and "softly" to "broken" and "empty". There's some clever stuff here. All critique is JMHO. Thank you for the read
"We believe that we invent symbols. The truth is that they invent us; we are their creatures, shaped by their hard, defining edges." - Gene Wolfe