02-05-2013, 03:50 AM
Please know that my comments are only one reader's take on your text. I maybe completely wrong and want you to just take what makes sense to you.
I liked reading your text.
I did not get tour pantoumes. I would need more time for it. Maybe next weekend.
(the rest of my critique
and like a homecoming, in a rush, it all comes back to her. <<< that too. The allure of him; his touch, his fragrance, his embrace. They share a familiarity <<< I like this. and so she opens herself up to him, the hem of her skirt lifting and falling in rhythm to his advances. <<Unable to resist each other, they sigh in unison. <<< would skip : unable to resist each other. Now gathering himself, he breaks upon her awareness and within the flood comes identity.<<< a bit too sophisticated, though I get it. Hm? Again and again he breaks and invades her barriers and strongholds<<< my rewrite: again and again he breaks her barriers.. Each fresh wave bringing revelation, forgotten treasure and vitality. <<< I like “forgotten treasure but would skip this sentence. A bit too wordy perhaps? He covers her and they are hidden together. <<< like this. This is really good. Her desolation and barrenness removed. <<< her bareness removed. Every part of her being is restored and filled with intimacy. No stone left unturned, <<< I would skip this and go on with: no scar left un-caressed .<<< but maybe rather: all of her scars caressed.; a sifting through every layer, until she is known, she is complete. <<< I would omit this sentence. There they stay, but for the gentle pull of passing time. <<< like a lot: gentle pull of passing time. Holding each other, total immersion and intermingling. Each fully sated and requited. <<< I would kill these sentences. For nothing was withheld and no part was despised. <<< Just: Nothing was withheld, no part despised.
Now comes the crucial part:
For but one heart beat in eternity they are one <<< you do not need “but” here. ; then almost imperceptibly at first, then more wretchedly so, they are pulled apart. <<< I would prefer something like: Imperceptible at first they are pulled apart )or: torn. The governing laws of this world and the order of things not in accord with their desires,<<< the order of things ( relates back to Michel Foucault (Les mots et les choses- a pivotal text of post-modernism and fits here. See my link below. their joined hearts not part of the equation. <<< their joined (hm?) , maybe: communing hearts (sth like that) are not part of the equation,
She is to be returned from that which she stole and was stolen. But to whom does she belong? With his passing she glows and shines. No longer gutted and empty, but full and resplendent.
<<< I tend to wrap this whole paragraph. E.g. like that: She wants to be returned to what she stole.
Yet she weeps from deep within. <<< Yet is not necessary, I think. Every sifted layer mourns and yearns for his return. How long will he be? <<< I would add : here.....She knows not. <<< you do not need this. Deep within her depths she hides a secret – a portion of him retained. <<<Stored in anticipation of the dry times to come.<<< stored for dry times. Hoarded, guarded, protected and safe – a treasure within.
The weeping continues, sapping her strength. <<< fine! Yet even within the pain and tears there is comfort. <<< there is comfort in her tears .
The feel of him, his scent and flavour, his touch, are all there encompassed and embodied within the stream; which cuts a swath across that which she is not.
<<< The feel of him, his scent, his touch, his flavor cuts right through her, not herself.
(Written on Lady bay beach – Guernsey – 98)
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Michel Foucault: The Order of Things
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Order_of_Things
I liked reading your text.
I did not get tour pantoumes. I would need more time for it. Maybe next weekend.
(the rest of my critique
and like a homecoming, in a rush, it all comes back to her. <<< that too. The allure of him; his touch, his fragrance, his embrace. They share a familiarity <<< I like this. and so she opens herself up to him, the hem of her skirt lifting and falling in rhythm to his advances. <<
Now comes the crucial part:
For but one heart beat in eternity they are one <<< you do not need “but” here. ; then almost imperceptibly at first, then more wretchedly so, they are pulled apart. <<< I would prefer something like: Imperceptible at first they are pulled apart )or: torn. The governing laws of this world and the order of things not in accord with their desires,<<< the order of things ( relates back to Michel Foucault (Les mots et les choses- a pivotal text of post-modernism and fits here. See my link below. their joined hearts not part of the equation. <<< their joined (hm?) , maybe: communing hearts (sth like that) are not part of the equation,
She is to be returned from that which she stole and was stolen. But to whom does she belong? With his passing she glows and shines. No longer gutted and empty, but full and resplendent.
<<< I tend to wrap this whole paragraph. E.g. like that: She wants to be returned to what she stole.
Yet she weeps from deep within. <<< Yet is not necessary, I think. Every sifted layer mourns and yearns for his return. How long will he be? <<< I would add : here.....She knows not. <<< you do not need this. Deep within her depths she hides a secret – a portion of him retained. <<<
The weeping continues, sapping her strength. <<< fine! Yet even within the pain and tears there is comfort. <<< there is comfort in her tears .
The feel of him, his scent and flavour, his touch, are all there encompassed and embodied within the stream; which cuts a swath across that which she is not.
<<< The feel of him, his scent, his touch, his flavor cuts right through her, not herself.
(Written on Lady bay beach – Guernsey – 98)
-----------
Michel Foucault: The Order of Things
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Order_of_Things