full circle

[Yelleryella123]

You know, then, that no matter how your nerves bother you because of these things, it doesn't really matter if they were laughing at you or not. I know that I don't care what strangers are thinking about me, but my nerves care. So emotionally I might get upset and cause a scene. Though as long as I don't really care, it doesn't really matter in the long run.

I've always felt that if I didn't have enemies I wouldn't be a very well-rounded person. I think about things I call "backrooms of individualism". I guess those are the places where you sort out how to make yourself an individual in the ways that an individual should be.

But an individual needs to get away from all that morbid self-consciousness, otherwise they remain too affected by external influences to function.---There were times when I wanted to fit in and I couldn't; then there were times I wanted to rage against whatever was going on, to make sure I wasn't like others; but most the time I just go with the flow of myself, whatever that means.

It doesn't mean anything. All you can do is reflect and be active at the same time. You have the core of who you are, and you just improvise through it. And those nervous and mental distractions are just more enemies to deal with. But as long as they motivate you more than depress you, they're worth having.

Some will say: There isn't even a core. But I was raised a Western man. So I can have a core if I want.

yes, the poem is my thought process becoming aware of my thought-enemies. I accept they are there, and a part of me. The problems I have with what people think of me in public are generally short-lived.

I think I am more self conscious of my writing than the glance of a stranger. Judgement is a projection of the self, that is the idea.
I meditate to become aware of my mind, especially during these moments of self-consciousness - become aware, accept, change. The brain is plastic, the mind is malleable. One of my favorite books on neuroplasticity : http://www.normandoidge.com/normandoidge.com/MAIN.html