01-30-2013, 03:14 AM
The poem feels a bit too wordy and dense at times, but then I could also say that about Hart Crane's poems. Sometimes the phrasing works, like "somnambulat gaiety", which is a nice juxtaposition of seemingly opposing words to create a distinct idea. The problem I have, I think, is that your style doesn't always gel with your rhythm, making the poem clunky and obtuse at times.
I'd recommend thinking about each line to see if you can simplify it. For instance, "the argumentative finger/authoritatively combined with the finality of the fist" could be changed to "the quarrelous finger/dogmatically combined with a fist's closure". That's just an example; you might of course dispute some of the alternative words I've given. I'd also suggest adding more narrative; as it is the poem simply describes feelings and ideas. Some more action and character could help push your point across. This is all JMHO of course. Thanks for the read
I'd recommend thinking about each line to see if you can simplify it. For instance, "the argumentative finger/authoritatively combined with the finality of the fist" could be changed to "the quarrelous finger/dogmatically combined with a fist's closure". That's just an example; you might of course dispute some of the alternative words I've given. I'd also suggest adding more narrative; as it is the poem simply describes feelings and ideas. Some more action and character could help push your point across. This is all JMHO of course. Thanks for the read
"We believe that we invent symbols. The truth is that they invent us; we are their creatures, shaped by their hard, defining edges." - Gene Wolfe