01-29-2013, 03:01 PM
Firstly, do introduce punctuation to your poems. They allow you to put in appropriate pauses and make the poem easier to read.
Secondly, show, don't tell. For the subject matter, this poem lacks the impact that it should. Try to talk about the feelings and actions involved instead of just telling the readers what's there. Powerful poetry leaves room for imagination.
It's a good effort though, and I like the 2nd and 4th stanzas in particular. This piece has potential, so do think about working on it some more. =)
Hope I'm of help.
Secondly, show, don't tell. For the subject matter, this poem lacks the impact that it should. Try to talk about the feelings and actions involved instead of just telling the readers what's there. Powerful poetry leaves room for imagination.
It's a good effort though, and I like the 2nd and 4th stanzas in particular. This piece has potential, so do think about working on it some more. =)
Hope I'm of help.
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