01-25-2013, 11:16 AM
Hi noheart, welcome to the site!
A few comments for you:
Where this poem gets interesting
they speak to me
at night
there is always night
This is good ambiguity. Who are the they? What are they saying? It's interesting. There's also bad ambiguity in the poem. This comes from abstractions like sorrow, disappointment, and regret. They don't really convey a sensory image. When linked with an image they get resonance. Famous example from Wordsworth: I wandered lonely as a cloud. What you have here is a lot of lonely and no cloud. Don't overdo it but we've all read a lot of poems that pierce the heart, have sorrow. To make them interesting they need concrete images.
That's my main suggestion. On a positive note, you have a good sense of rhythm. This flows well.
I hope the comments help.
Best,
Todd
A few comments for you:
Where this poem gets interesting
they speak to me
at night
there is always night
This is good ambiguity. Who are the they? What are they saying? It's interesting. There's also bad ambiguity in the poem. This comes from abstractions like sorrow, disappointment, and regret. They don't really convey a sensory image. When linked with an image they get resonance. Famous example from Wordsworth: I wandered lonely as a cloud. What you have here is a lot of lonely and no cloud. Don't overdo it but we've all read a lot of poems that pierce the heart, have sorrow. To make them interesting they need concrete images.
That's my main suggestion. On a positive note, you have a good sense of rhythm. This flows well.
I hope the comments help.
Best,
Todd
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson