01-24-2013, 12:53 PM
I find poems that rhyme a lot like this one are difficult to "pull off" because they have a tendency to sound...cheesy (I tried to think of a better adjective but I've got nothing). That being said, I don't think that's the case here so hooray. You did a nice job with this and you have a lot of strong lines in here, and I didn't find anything to be particularly poor, although I do agree with brandontoh's opinion of some lines feeling forced. I definitely prefer the revision you posted. Honestly I think you could graduate from the novice section...