01-23-2013, 07:37 PM
Interesting to see the original and edited version if only because the edits are quite minimal. To my reading the edits offer slight improvement. (However I must ask, isn't 'wherever' [original] more correct than 'where ever' [edit]? Not a big issue though.
I struggle with the 'shared view of a distant object' concept in terms of the way it's expressed. I think you may have benefited had you chosen to say 'lets both look at the man in the moon' and perhaps got him involved with the pair. Similarly you might have used 'sun-angels' or 'star-signs' for the other two verses. This would help with the problem that arises due to lack of specificity in, for example, the statement
"Look to the moon, for there my eyes alight wherever your eyes rest."
where my first thought was, 'how do you know her and your eyes will rest on the same spot?' The problem with the imagery in relation to S2 is obvious, I see two people squinting (romantically if that's possible) up into the distance, hands shading their eyes... not a very romantic image. In S3 the issue is slightly different, you ask your lover to pick out the brightest star. If this had been the opening S I would have gone with it happily, but with the doubts experienced in S's 1&2 I was looking for the hilarious image of the joint viewing being all wrong cuz both parties are unknowingly looking at different stars confused by the relative distance in candelas (brightness, IIRC) emitted from different ones!.
There are also one or two places where the meaning is lost on me -
"...the dust that none who love have touched before;" - the significance of the dust?
I like the line that follows but wonder if 'hanging heartbeats' may be too abstract to survive re-drafts.
"We rode the seven rays of heaven;" is another gloriously poetic phrase which left me with a question mark suspended above my head.
"...we beat as one in space and time." In view of my prior comments I'd seek to link this 'togetherness' with the process of looking rather than the more specific criterion that you're actually seeing the same thing, at the same time.
"nuclear flame." Felt like a different voice to the rest of the poem.
"Though all the firmament is burning , we will but one beacon see." I like this line despite the the word order being manipulated.
I get the "...lover's grand illusion..." bit but unclear about, "we vanish in the cloak of time." Where? Why? How?
Much respect, Pete.
I struggle with the 'shared view of a distant object' concept in terms of the way it's expressed. I think you may have benefited had you chosen to say 'lets both look at the man in the moon' and perhaps got him involved with the pair. Similarly you might have used 'sun-angels' or 'star-signs' for the other two verses. This would help with the problem that arises due to lack of specificity in, for example, the statement
"Look to the moon, for there my eyes alight wherever your eyes rest."
where my first thought was, 'how do you know her and your eyes will rest on the same spot?' The problem with the imagery in relation to S2 is obvious, I see two people squinting (romantically if that's possible) up into the distance, hands shading their eyes... not a very romantic image. In S3 the issue is slightly different, you ask your lover to pick out the brightest star. If this had been the opening S I would have gone with it happily, but with the doubts experienced in S's 1&2 I was looking for the hilarious image of the joint viewing being all wrong cuz both parties are unknowingly looking at different stars confused by the relative distance in candelas (brightness, IIRC) emitted from different ones!.
There are also one or two places where the meaning is lost on me -
"...the dust that none who love have touched before;" - the significance of the dust?
I like the line that follows but wonder if 'hanging heartbeats' may be too abstract to survive re-drafts.
"We rode the seven rays of heaven;" is another gloriously poetic phrase which left me with a question mark suspended above my head.
"...we beat as one in space and time." In view of my prior comments I'd seek to link this 'togetherness' with the process of looking rather than the more specific criterion that you're actually seeing the same thing, at the same time.
"nuclear flame." Felt like a different voice to the rest of the poem.
"Though all the firmament is burning , we will but one beacon see." I like this line despite the the word order being manipulated.
I get the "...lover's grand illusion..." bit but unclear about, "we vanish in the cloak of time." Where? Why? How?
Much respect, Pete.