01-23-2013, 03:28 PM
Hi! =) Welcome to the Pig Pen. First things first, don't overuse the ellipses. Also, sleep doesn't bless the soul/spirit/mind works better than eyes in my opinion. The second line can be rephrased into something like "You're not here, but your scent lingers". I'll stop here I guess, don't want to go overboard on what's ultimately a first draft in novice. Well, overall it's a poem about missing someone badly, so not much to say about that. For poetry, 'show, don't tell' is a good general rule of thumb in crafting good imageries. I do like the last line of your poem, and well, just keep writing. You'll get better. =) Hope I'm of help.
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