[Revision] The War Within

[billy]

first off, a great edit. it's tighter. it's at that stage where you can play with it, where you can remove the more bland parts and replace them with deeper ideas/images/meaning etc. i have no suggestions for you as to how to go about it though your first line is a pretty common idea. try and make it less so. claim each line as your own ie;

the weight of men a measured deed
while paradise is forged through creed

okay, it still verges on cliché but less so.

your poem is ready to really be creative with. you have good bones to naw on, (so to speak )if you see what i mean. meter; meter usually helps the poem to flow. leanne's the girl to see for that. i'm still a novice at it, but it can help with this type of poem.

Kings reign easy, peasants hurry
or
Kings reign easy, peasants worry

okay i was wrong i did have a suggestion or two

just a few ideas for you to play around with. also kkep your eye on the excess of smaller words

all in all a decent edit.

Strength of a man measured in deeds
Pursuit of paradise based on creeds
Lords might judge but serfs hold jury judge,
Kings react slowly, peasants must hurry

Happiness lost, faith goes too
You know not fate, yet fate knows you
Condemned to life, serve out the sentence is 'the' needed?
Most feel guilt, and give due penance

Keep your head down or scrape the ceiling
Ambition kept near, what a guarded feeling
Doubt does lurk, ready to pounce
Hope does float, ready to bounce

Bold men aspire to great feats
Weak men sit to reserve the seats
A flower blossoms in the coldest of places
And humility masks the boldest of faces

Life is dear to none and all
The meek can rise, The great can fall