Loving Apart edit 2 shem

[tectak]

i wouldn't have noticed it myself but after reading someone else crit (which i hate to do for this very reason) i'm tainted; nuclear and a thousand light years don't sound lovey dovey enough for the rest of and style of the poem. other than that there was one piece of yoda speak that pokes through just a tad to much. still, enjoy the piece i did i just enjoyed the read and because of that i struggle to find anything much in way of constructive crit. .

Look to the moon, for there my eyes alight where ever your eyes rest.
Though we are held apart by distance longer than our arms can reach,
we still can meet there in the night-time, secret lay-lines side by side.
You and I will touch the dust that none who love have touched before;
yet leave no trace, no stain of presence, no hanging heartbeats in the air.

Look to the sun, but shade your eyes, for there I shall be looking, too.
Take off your clothes; and naked recall how the dried-out ash logs glowed; yummy
and how we spent a crystal winter, wrapped in furs and warmth of skin.
We ride the seven rays of heaven; the day-star shines on you and I.
In syncopated sight, together, we are as one in space and time.

Look to the stars, for there I'll find you; seek out the brightest in the void
and I will look to that same glimmer, we will share its nuclear flame.
Though all the firmament is burning yet we will still one beacon see. well and alive yoda is in your poem young skywalker.
A thousand light-years separate us, but for this second we are joined,
and wrapped in lover's grand illusion we vanish in the cloak of time.

tectak
Jan 2010

Hi billy,
Things seem to be on the up as far as workshopping is concerned. I have slapped up rev 2 but will STILL be changing the language. The "thousand light years" and "nuclear flame" do stand out like candles on a slag heap. I am a scientist in exile...occasionally I lapse.
Best,
tectak