Last Dream

[DaedricPrince]

As I lay tight.
Shards of flames,
Flaming in hate,
I walk across my distiguished fate.
I can not help, nor can I lead.
To lay on the ground I see,
I can understand death is upon me.
Sounds roar,
Becoming constant in my core.
Yells, screams, tortures the scene;
I close my eyes, hoping for a dream.

The problem with your version is, you went straight to the point. You moved stuff around, took stuff out, that's not how it was meant to be read.

I write poems to give you a sense of vision. Hence why I add all the minor details of the scene. To add emotions and power. Therefore, I cannot sense any of that in your version.

Some things may not make sense, and I can't explain to you the scene. Fire, Fear, Sadness, and unforgettable sounds. That is what makes up the scene. It's the reader's job to visualize it. Not think about it, but visualize.

Thanks.